October Goal

I've decided to make at least one goal a month for me to hone in on and have a positive impact on either me, or the world around me, or both. I think it's important to keep growing. There's always something else you can improve on, something else that you can do better.

So today in my art studio class we had a visiting artist (Henry), and as he was working through a demo he stopped and looked at me and said, "Reality is constantly changing, what may be reality today could change tomorrow. Today you may be in a relationship, and tomorrow they might be gone, so don't let the reality of things determine how you live today."

I was so stunned that he was specifically speaking to me, I really didn't know how to react. As I looked around the room feeling a little bit stunned, everyone one else was just focusing on him and nodding. Was this something that really seemed this obvious to them? I have never thought about reality as being something that constantly evolves. I mean if it's real today, it's true tomorrow. I understand what he meant, I just wonder how he new to direct the statement towards me. I was the only person in the front row, and I was being pretty responsive, so maybe he thought his words would have a bigger impact on me. I think he liked getting a reaction from me, then again, I think everyone likes to feel heard. My main goal when I'm interacting with someone is to make sure that they feel like their words are impacting me, to let them know that I really hear them. Sadly, I think the people that I neglect this right to are the people that I need to hear me; the people that will love me no matter what. But honestly, those are the people that I really want to know I care the most. I guess thats my October goal.

#ExpectTheUnexpected

Long-term Memory: Structure reads the slide at the front of the classroom. I am currently sitting in my psychology 405 class stunned by the amount of reading material and memorization that will have to be done for the upcoming test. It seems as if school is a never ending vacuum, out to suck all of your energy and time away. It wont be long before I will be leaving the current dormitory that I live in for a new place. Dorms are so expensive, especially the apartment style. My wonderful roommate and long time high school friend will be left behind, unless I quotably "get onto the horseshoe" the prettiest and most convenient place to live on campus. So I assume I will be venturing out alone as either an RM (resident mentor) or as a student living at home.

What Were You Thinking?

I stopped using this blog because it was a representation of the pain that I felt over Cody. That's all it really was, another way to roll in my pain. Another way to exhaust the already exhausted. Looking back at how much time I spent obsessing over everything, I'm really upset with myself. What a waste of life. A whole year that I'll never get back. My freshman year spent crying. What was it all for? 
I had to do what I had to do to get over it all I guess. 
But I wish I could go back to the old me and tell her that it gets better. You CAN love again. You CAN have someone who treats you better. You can find someone who is going to want what is best for you, someone that won't just toss your emotions around because they themselves are insecure. Someone who is more of a decent human being. 
Someone who knows better. 
Someone who loves to make you smile. 
Someone with manners, and a kind heart. 
Someone who puts others before himself. 
Someone who is passionate about life.
Someone that makes you jump more often.
Someone that makes you grow.
This past summer welcomed more in with it than I could have ever foreseen.
I kept telling myself that once the summer ended, it would all fade away with it. All the stress-free nights that made me feel warm and happy inside. It was all good to be true, it would all vanish as soon as I entered my first class again.

The truth is, it's not the school that is taunted with stress and sorrow. It was me. And it just so happened that I was in school at the time.

I was so relieved and happy, truly happy, this first semester to know that I have all of these people around me who I can surround myself with to better me. To make me be more open to new things.

I give my friend Megan a lot of crap for being so wild and outgoing at times. But I also admire her a lot in ways too. And I absolutely 100% believe that I went to summer school for a reason, and met this person who has her own way of living, for a reason. I cannot thank God enough for making me be open to Megan and to getting to know her. I cannot thank Megan and God for enough for bringing me to Dalton either.

He's been the most supportive, sweet person to me. I can't even type this right now without crying, because its so real to me. I was so burdened with hate and sorrow, and right when I thought things were so bad, God showed me that I was wrong and I've been happy every since. 

I haven't been to church since Cody and I broke up, and I know it's not because I don't have time. I know it's because the church was and still kind of is taunted with Cody. I used to go to church almost every Sunday with Cody. Cody and I became one and so did all the things we enjoyed together.

Today, I'm taking it and breaking him out of it all. I'm saying that I can have all those things without him. I'm saying that I don't need his approval to be happy. I don't need his apology to move on. I don't want him to understand me. I just want out. Completely out. 

I want all my shit, and I want out. What was I thinking?