One more night

It's been so long since I've written, I guess you have to go out and live a little so that you have something to write about. Regrets? Yes. Lessons? Yes.

So it appears that I thought that it was a good idea to let my past mistakes back into my life again, guess I didn't learn it well enough the first oh 5 times. WHEN SOMEONE LIES TO YOU.

You know it's just like my mom used to tell me as a kid, "Lie to me once shame on you. Lie to my twice, shame on ME."

It's so true, and now that I have been put in the same situation, I think that it makes perfectly good sense to stop and not let the same shit happen again.

"So I cross my heart and hope to die, that I only stay with you one more night. I know I said it a million times, but I only stay with you one more night."

And so here I am welcoming the new song of my life. Cody and I are so sick. All we do is make each other love each other over and over again, just to feel stupid about it the next day. Or maybe it's just me. Honestly though, he must think he is making a mistake digging up our past again, because I can't handle it. Hah he just puts himself in a position that he never wanted in the first.

There we go again. His solution is just to stop using logic, to just let whats going to happen happen. Well thats a great fucking idea, because guess what. I'm not in this game of fuck all over Elizabeth again. This has to end. SO help me if I have to be the "bad guy" and jab the fake relationship to an end. We don't need this.

What are his motives any how?
I asked him yesterday thru texts, "Why do you text me?"
Well that was a huuuuuuge mistake. Kid didn't give me an answer, he just fucked around with my head about it, and then left it out on a cliff to dry.
Here's his response (clever fucking kid), "Why do you second guess yourself?"

Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Reff? Where's the Reff? Because I'm pretty sure that wasn't fucking fair.

"What do you mean?"

And so I tell him it's because I need to consider what my motives and logic are. He continues on to say that I basically just answered my question- whatever the fuck that means. "Does logic matter? Anyways the you asking me that is like me asking you why you're wishy washy"............

And then when I asked what that meant, Ladies and Gentlemen, I get... NO RESPONSE!

So if anyone reads this and feels like they can help me un-wravel some of the what I call, Crazy Cody shit, be my guest. I need some assistance here, please.

Back Home

I'm sitting here trying to figure out what is more important to write about right now. There has been so much going on this week and I couldn't possibly decide what is more important to address first.
No matter how mind numbing it all is, I can still feel myself continuing to turn to the window next to me and just gaze out... who cares about all the stressful relationships in my life right now?

I think it really hit me earlier today at lunch.
I swear every time I drive those thirty minutes back home to the small town I grew up in I learn more there than I ever do at college.
You'd think that college would be so full of life lessons..
But it's so ass backwards.
I go home for the weekend, and it's a whole new world there. All the people are so much more deep there now.
I met up my best friend for lunch today and another guy I graduated with came over to the table to say hello. Being the small town it is, we ended up eating lunch with him too. My friend disappeared off to get something, and the more I sat there and talked to this guy the more caught off guard I was.

Here all this time I thought the small town country boys were lacking this common knowledge and overcompensating with their jacked up trucks, party stories, and report cards full of F's, when really they were living.

He just sat there and told me his life like it was. Simple for him. One of realest people I've talked to in a week.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't care about status quo. If I can't hear God telling me anything else this week, that's what the one thing I have been sent a clear message about. I'm just so grateful that he has put these people in my life to display that to me.

When I finally do leave this place, I'm not going to remember what I did that was part of living the "college life", what I'm really going to rely on is the types of relationships that I formed with the real people. People like me.

Gone too...

The wine glass is near bottom for the second time, and i can't feel the change yet. I'm not much of a drinker, so this is all somewhat new to me. It's an interesting thing for me to be home alone in the living room gulping wine as quick as I can. I obviously haven't acquired the taste yet and find no need to slush it around in my mouth any longer than i absolutely have to.
This time it's not about the taste. Who needs the taste when what I'm really hoping to find is something more similar to that time I got my wisdom teeth pulled and spent the night in my room staring at the ceiling fan spin above my head.
I can see now that my veins are poking out more so than usual on my hand...but I try not to look and instead I try to put myself back in my bed. Back to a time when I was able to shut the door on love and welcome other things that I was sure wouldn't hurt me. It is true, there is no real answer for a broken heart; at least not one simple answer for everyone. We all have our own methods, and here's mine: "sipping" wine, and blogging...alone in the living room of the house that I grew up in. The only epic thing we're missing is a fire place, everything thing else exists to my pleasure: the wooden bookshelves coated in novels that form around the flat screen tele, the messaging chair in the opposite corner of the room, the huffing sleeping beagle, and lastly, the rich dark red leather sofas that line two of the western walls. Call it home- for now (since my parents might be moving).
I love this place. I fell in love with it in my teen years after I realized how dependent this place is. It's a 35 acre lot with pecan trees, fourwheeler routes, grass richer than Oprah's front lawn, a chicken farm lingering in the distance, a mechanic's shop that once was my fathers, and most importantly, the spot at the side of the house just off the edge of our long front porch. The spot where my body lays summer and all too soon in the spring feeling the sun. The spot where I sit bundled up in a coat and scarf for as long as I can stand it during the fall, nose touching my knee caps as I take in the view.
For so long this piece of land has been the one thing that I could always rely on. It watched me grow up into the person I am today; everything from the spoon I would dig with in the sand, to the hours I would spend mowing, singing to the fields.
And just like that, just like all good things vanish, it will be gone too.

Fearing the Unknown

I don't understand people, guys especially. I guess I should be used to losing people by now, and I used to think i could blink it away and shake it off. Now I know it's not like that anymore.
I'm always going to feel, and as long as I feel the relationship while it's there, I will also inevitably feel it when it's gone.
 You can never replace people.
 What I really mean is that I will never replace him, no matter what I do. There is never going to be another him.
I don't know how much longer I could have been greedy, continuing to talk to him, even though I was almost for certain he was with someone else. I don't like losing people...so of course, letting him go- someone I never really even had (who ever he is) was hard. Even now, hours later while he's not speaking to me, I feel the slap of pain across my lungs.
There's nothing I can do to fix it.
 People are who they are, he is a very handsome, sweet, liar. No matter how perfect they are for you, if the both of you have no trust, then neither of you really have anything.
We didn't have trust..rather instances of hope for trust.
I don't regret talking to him, and when I said I loved him back, I really did.
Even as I sit here curled up in my bed wishing there was an outlet for all this energy of emotion that rushes over me in every shade, I know there's no use; the only real drug was him. Yes he was a drug. Every time I talked to him, I instantly smiled and often found myself laughing.. for no real reason other than I was having a good time. That doesn't happen as much for me anymore. I don't just walk around on top of the world anymore, but when I talked to him.. I was settled. The draw in of a thick solid then fuzzy warm feeling.
Withdrawals will hit me like a wall soon I know, because I can already feel the sadness creeping up on me; the summer leaving me with the dreadful winter. I wonder if other people experience this at the same level I do? Maybe I'm too fragile, too reliant. I'm almost positive that when you lose someone, you're supposed to be left with yourself...but I'm beginning to wonder what I look like without a smile, without me.
What does he feel? Does he feel anything? Is he using distractions to suppress things, or is he simply closing the door and continuing on with his life?
Fearing the unknown has stood in my paths way for some odd 5 years now with all guys. I don't worry until one thing happens and then boom, 3 pictures I feel shaky about and it's a whirling domino effect. From that point on my brain gushes with scenarios and accusations waiting for it all to crumble like it should; fearing that there is something I don't want to know about them, fearing the UnKnown.
Unfortunately this time, everything about him was unknown, down to whether or not it was even him I was talking to.
It doesn't really matter though, who ever he was, he made me happy. No matter where his heart really belonged, or what ever lies he told me- if he did, he made me happy. Really happy. I would have accepted him honest, even if that painted a picture he was afraid I wouldn't like.
He's so wrong though, I'm going to love it no matter what. I'm going to accept it for all of it's imperfections and brush strokes dark or light. I'm the type of girl who would embellish on every fold of color and want to know why he did it that way. The type of girl who would see something unique and perfect about it each time I looked. I would want to keep it, frame it, hang it in my room.
He has no idea. I want all of him. Not just what he chooses to show me. I want to know the truth.
That's all I ever want.
Not so complicated really, because to me the truth is more important when I ask you directly, than any other time. It's not complicated because no matter what the truth is, I will accept it, work with it, and be okay with it.

#9 U101 Song List Project

9.) Shot For Me

(Drake)

This isn’t a song that I would use to describe any part of my college life, or my relationship with Cody. However, it is the song that he recently told me was his song to me from him. It’s a song that really makes no since in reference to us, and I don’t know why he really chose to tell me that it made him think of me. Regardless, now this song haunts me, and I listen to it to remember why we aren’t together anymore. I definitely think this dedication has been the cherry on top of the enormous list of reasons why I should never return to the same mistakes. More abstractly this song pertains to my college career, and how I will choose not to pity myself, nor to let someone else’s opinions determine what I do. 

#7 U101 Song List Project

7.) Drunk on you

(Luke Bryan)

You’re wondering where I’m going with this one. Things start to really pick up, my roommate and I met this group of guys at the Russell House watching the first away game. Afterwards we all headed back to McBryde and chilled outside on the benches with them. This one guy, Reed, played the guitar (my roommate and I instantly fell in love with him), and guess what song he played? Drunk on you. Boy did we both leave drunk on him. The kid has the voice of an angel and plays the guitar better than he plays all the girls hearts around him. Regardless, we made some really good friends that night, and now we go to all the games with them. Ryan is the most responsible one, and probably the most down to earth. Quite an interesting crowd they are. I promise you this song marks several weeks for my roommate (Michaela) and I; we danced around the apartment singing, “Girl if you aint a ten, you’re a nine point nine. Hey I’m a little drunk on you and high on summertime!”  I think this was the first time I realized that I was quite capable of liking someone else. 

#6 U101 Song List Project

6.) The World

(Empire of the Sun)

Then it happened, we parted our ways and the world continues to spin with no recognition; just a memory. This has got to be that time in college when every student asks the world a question. This has got to be my time where I am truly on my own two feet making it thru, walking across Pickens bridge with the sun glaring down in my eyes. The homework in every class is abounding out of my dorm room desk onto the floors, begging me for a well-deserved distraction, and I accept it. I am continuing to use this unfortunate break up to power my energy into something better. For the first time, I can actually let it all just be a memory. I can go on and be who ever I want to be.

“Things never really turn out how you imagined them to. I have expectations for the next few weeks, but I just try to let all those ideas go. The truth is, I don’t want to live a life that is expected. I can see myself anywhere right now, and that’s the best part about being 18. I can start wherever I want to. I can make this adulthood anything; that is the key- thru God anything is possible. ”

#'s 4 and 5 U101 Song List Project

4.) Walking on a Dream

(Empire of the Sun)

&

5.) Without You

(Empire of the Sun)

The first half of this year has been a haze for me until recently. Constantly, I found myself confused, at school and in every aspect of my life. Even while I was in class, I was detached. Even while I was with Cody, I was not. I was finally beginning to see me for who I am, and starting to acknowledge what I wanted. Beginning to accept the truth. Starting to know what kind of people I wanted in my life.

 I actually wrote up this dream relationship I wanted, and instead, I looked for it:

“We’re just looking at each other, completely at peace with each other. No past to corrupt the future; just the then and tomorrow. The dancing lights at the night club, where we fall all over each other again and again. His smiling friends laughing and becoming mine too. The cold of the winter as I slip my coat on over my silk dress, the breeze that pushes through the exit door as we flood onto the street. I look up at him, my nose cold from the weather, and he smiles at my face and leans down to kiss me. Suddenly, everything’s warm. Then he just lets his cheek remain next to mine; like wallowing in the moment, hanging on to it for a second longer. The way love should be, naturally flowing; the kind of trance that makes you loose track of time. The kind of love that you look back on and think, wow it happened so fast. 50 years together and all you can place on your time together is a smile (pure, innocent happiness). Unguarded memories. Days spent on the beach together. Evenings spent leaning back into the sand, watching the sunset, heads touching in awe.

 In a world where people make little to no impact on your relationship unless you allow them to.

When you open your eyes for the first time in the morning, and he’s already staring, heavy eyed, at you. He reaches over and traces your jaw line, starting at the back of your ear down to your chin.

Completely infatuated with you. Completely infatuated with him. Equal love; equally in love. Time doesn’t tick unless you count every special moment you had.

 Not only did you watch him embark on his dreams, you were asked to join, to be a part of his dreams, to look back and have no regrets that you both shared yourselves with one another. No secrets because there was no two; only the one. You bounced ideas off of one another, then made your decision. You both required a certain amount of time together, which was great, and so was the space. Because the space did not in any way separate you two. You both still felt happy with the small distance, and were able to simply reunite later on.

It’s flawed and perfect in one. It’s simple and complicated at the same time. 

# 3 U101 Song List Project

3.) We Are the People

 (Empire of the Sun)

The first week of college really seemed to drag on. While I had my head so wrapped up in school and all the new people, I was still always thinking of Cody and where we were as a couple. Coming from a small country home into the city was really different. This song was what I listened to walking around campus thinking: Wow, we are the people; each one of us is here to make an impact on the world, we all have this unwritten drive. While I thought about how this song really tied all these people I didn’t know together, I also thought about how it described my fears of my relationship. I wrote that week,

“When I think about Cody, I think about the times when we both look at each other in the eyes, really look, and I feel this… umm, like we’re both on the same page. Like we’re both equally crazy about one another. I love it when it feels that way because it’s just nice, and that’s how it should feel.

If at any point one’s not as interested, then you lose some pages. The book gets smaller, and before you know it, neither one of you can remember why you’re together in the first place. It’s a horrible empty feeling.”  

I couldn’t have been more wrong about us being on the same page. In fact, I wrote the entry to try and convince myself that Cody and I were still the same couple we were two years ago, but I knew what I really felt was that empty feeling.

“On the other hand, when you’re both on the same page, it’s like no other feeling.” 

U101 Project

I'll be adding an explanation of each song daily... Enjoy.

2.) Successful

 (Drake)

About a week before college started I wrote:

“I think about all that I’ve lost and all that I’ve gained and I just don’t know what to think anymore. It seems like I’m losing that simple touch to connect with myself anymore. I used to be able to just sit down and let my hand do all the writing. Now I just sit down and stare at blank pages not knowing what to say or where to start. Here lately I haven’t been able to really think much. All I can hear my thoughts say is “I just want to be successful”- it’s a song by Drake.

It’s so true though, it’s all I want. Success. Success everywhere I look. But I know there’s still another 4 years of my life ahead (at least) to prove it-success. I know all eyes are going to be on me for a while now. It’s true because I’ve felt everyone, including my cousins pass me the torch. I know, it’s time for me to make something of myself.” 

I really think that this feeling followed me into my first week of college as I walked to and from classes listening to this song. It’s been my underlying drive. 

The Song List for U101 Project

Song List:

1. Fireworks

(Drake- 5:13)

2.) Successful

(Drake- 5:52)

3. We Are the People

(Empire of the Sun- 4:27)

4. Walking on a Dream

(Empire of the Sun- 3:18)

5. Without You

(Empire of the Sun- 5:00)

6. The World

(Empire of the Sun- 4:37)

7. Drunk On You

(Luke Bryan- 3:34)

8. Drunk on you

(Reed- the kid from McBryde)

9. Shot For Me

(Drake- 3:45)

10. Finally Found You

(Enrique Iglesias- 3:41)

11. She’s Country

(Jason Aldean- 3:41)

Bonus tracks:

12. When you’re lonely

(Jana Kramer- 3:31)

13. We Are young

(Tonight- 4:10)

14. Ho Hey

(The Lumineers- 2:43)

15.Morning Song

(The Lumineers- 5:16)

16. I Miss You

(blink-182- 3:47)

17. I Like It

(Enrique Iglesias- 3:42)

  

Prologue:

1.) Fireworks (Drake)

It’s been a really strange year for me, and to sit here and try to sum it all up is a rollercoaster. Back in June I wrote in my journal,

“Every time I hear the Fireworks song (By Drake) I will see Cody Kopacz’s smile. I will remember all those long trips we made from the country out into the city to eat at Mellow Mushroom for our anniversaries.”

We rode in silence once a month for a whole year listening to that song. For me I always thought of it as a romantic song, one that kind of connected us. A ride through the night that I always looked forward to, one where I looked up at the stars and pretended that there were fireworks for us on that night. Now anytime I hear that song, I’m back in the air-conditioned passenger seat of a silver Pontiac riding down I-26.  I can’t really explain how much I was in love with him this summer.

“I can tell you that everyone makes me who I am today. I don’t regret any of the things that have happened in my life; they happened for a reason. I’ve had some really great times with Cody… and I’ve had some rough times. But when I look at all the happiness he brings me- for no real reason, other than I love him, I know I’m where I’m supposed to be. I don’t know exactly where I am right now, and I don’t know where I’ll be in 20 years from now, or even next year. The best part is: I don’t need to know. I have real faith that if I just do what I feel is right in my gut, I’ll end up where I’m supposed to be; for my gut is guided by God.”

It was a memorable year for me and I couldn’t fathom what college was going to be like, and it was so close. Cody was already going thru it all, and I was pushing myself to learn through his mistakes and experiences in hopes of a successful future.

Live like a Dreamer

I'm supposed to be doing homework but I just can't find the drive right now. He sits on the couch and scrolls through his phone mindlessly, and I gaze at him. He has no clue I'm lost in his world, wondering where his mind is traveling. I focus on his facial expression looking for a weak place so that I can be let in, but I find none. He's in total control of himself, everything about his body screams control; like no one I've ever met before. I want that control to be a part of my life. I want his mannerisms to rub off on me, to blend with mine. Is it possible to blend two worlds like ours together? The more I hear his words, the more I believe that it's not only possible, but it's fate. I have never met someone who thinks like him, someone who just lives like they've never been hurt before; like they've never felt pain control their life. Control. Extreme control. 

It's like he see's through the eyes of a kid who still has scarless dreams. He follows what his heart tells him to do; never worrying about the logic that people consume themselves with. How did he keep this mindset? I look at him curiously, still no signs of falter; just a face of content. Completely content and in control. Each time I look at him I discover new things about him that I never thought I'd find in a guy. Not in such a perfect way...I guess I keep looking in hopes for the logic behind my findings. The attribute that will tell me that he isnt the one for me. 

Its not happening, there it is now, a smile. He knows now that I've been staring, and he's okay with it. Control. Stupid control! How? How does he have such control over every expression in just the right amount? Effortless composure, so appealing. 

Completely content, in control, and happy. Share..share it with me. 

To smile like it's the first time you've ever done it, every time. Teach me how to smile like that. 

To follow your heart over your mind.

To pursue your dreams because you can't imagine doing anything else, no matter what the odds are. 

To just live like that. 

Wasn't My Choice

  I've never wished that I was more wrong than I do right now. I wish I could say that I was just being stubborn or in denial when I said that he isn't who he used to be. I don't like being wrong, in fact, I despise it. So just know that me sitting here on this bench in broad daylight admitting that I want to be wrong is an extremely heavy thing for me to think.
  I am unfortunately not wrong. He's definitely not who I thought he was; he's selfish and childish. What's an even bigger struggle for me to except is that he may have never have been who I thought he was. He may not have changed at all. It could be that the mask was simply removed and I truly for the first time saw him for everything that he was. All I know is that now he's different. I do not know how he got there, or when it happened. I only know that he is gone, and that I don't want him to return.

The Absence

  I swear my fingers are just running across the keyboard as I think, typing whatever comes to mind. Garnet yarn beside me waiting to be knotted into a scarf. And just a few more hours and ill be in touch with that handsome sweet R, he makes me smile, makes me really happy. I hope he's as genuine as he says he is...I have a feeling he's not though. 
  Crazy hasn't spoken to me today. Not that he's obligated to.. But he crosses my mind a lot. I wonder what he's doing and if he misses me any, or if this really is the choice he wanted. It must be or otherwise he would have come to me begging. Since he has not, perhaps he has not realized how great of a girlfriend I was to him yet. Maybe he needs to meet a few more girls. He probably needs to turn 21 just like his mother suggested Adam grew up then... Maybe that's when Crazy will too.
  I do not know. In the mean time though, I want him to miss me. I want him to have to think about me all the time, just like I have to. When I look at bates west, or eat a muscadine, or think of Nelly because of old pics on my computer, or be reminded of him when I notice how much I like the color yellow, or when I put on moms perfume- the only one he ever complimented me on, or before I fall asleep at night pondering what his bed feels like without me there, wondering if he feels my absence on that side of the bed, or if me not being there is no different. 
  I wonder if his head needs scratching sometimes or his back scratched, and I wonder if he wishes he had me to do it still. I wonder if he folds clothes slowly in solitude and wishes I could do it for him. I wonder if he ever craves our love life or wishes he could have me in bed with him for the night. I wonder if the beer pong table is taunted with my existence, or if it never crosses his mind.
   I wonder if he gets in his truck and wishes I was in the passenger seat. I wonder if he drinks himself into a mist of thoughts and sees me. I wonder if I'm there with him still, or if he's let me go. I wonder how long it will take before I don't have to think about him again. I wonder if someone else will buy me flowers because they want to, not because they feel obligated to. I wonder if he thinks of our anniversaries when he goes to mellow mushroom. I wonder If he can even bare to go.
   I wonder if he sees the beach and sees my face. I wonder if he wishes he had kissed me more. Or maybe if he longs to hold my hand now that he can't. I wonder if he will miss me. I wonder if Nelly reminds him of me sometimes. I wonder if he sees his mom and remembers how well we got along. I wonder if his dad's couch feels somewhat empty without me next to him. I wonder if his old bedroom reminds him of us.

  I know that I will always see Pembroke Avenue and think, that's where my first love and I grew closer together. That's where it all started, in that house, in that room, in front of that tv in his room.. just sitting on the floor. In his Pontiac behind the baseball field. At lizards thicket and D's wings.
  I hope he misses me, because I miss what we had. I don't want our ending relationship back, but I do want the type of relationship we initially started out with. Minus the whole him being a lair from the beginning. I hope I'm never stupid enough to date him again. I hope I never have to feel the way I did when we broke up all those times again.
 I hope I never have to feel the immense betrayal I felt and still feel. To be separated from the love of your life by their own words.

  To have them take themselves away from you saying they feel like they're
breaking their own heart when they never even took into consideration that they'd be breaking yours first. He will never understand what he did to me because he never fell in love with me on the level that I loved him. He never truly opened up to me. 
  So when we parted, he wasn't being rejected, his mask was. I on the other hand, had been laid out on a table an open book, and was being rejected. It was so much more personal for me, because he was leaving all that I was, not some front. He was willing to give me up knowing all the things he knows about me and feel like he was making the right decision. He was actually breaking my heart, not his own. He really has no idea. He really has no clue how much he has messed up and continues to each passing day that goes by.
He will never get my love and affection the way he did. He can't anymore, I won't let him. And neither will the rest of the world. 

Morphing Reality

"Its about what you do, not what you say."
I'm not going to try and convince myself that I dont want it just because I can't have it. I know what I'm looking for, I'm just having trouble morphing it with reality. Its hard when the real world hands you the truth and it's not what you want. It's even harder when the logical voices around you actually make since.

Rare Times

  For the first time in a while I'm actually home for dinner. Mom cooked spaghetti and we are waiting on my brother and his wife to get here. I already know that we are going to have a great time and this is going to be one of those nights that I will be able to recall for years to come. It feels so rare, like it's Christmas. Our dining room has this calm blue and deep red theme with the occasional hint of dark green. It's strange and great at the same time.
  They just arrived.

Long Boarding By

  Today is...patient. I'm standing on line for my cheeseburger at the ballpark café. Hoping I don't run into Crazy. Not that he would honestly be here on a Saturday morning. In fact, I don't even think he has a meal plan so none of my worries are remotely valid. Yet I still find myself fearing the moment when I do see him again, I just know ill have my guard down and do something wrong. That is why I'm constantly walking around with a wall guarding me wherever I go on campus. I don't want to see him because I know that it will reinforce that we are no longer together. 
  I love people who can just be themselves. Do what they feel like doing, say what they feel within reason and not fear being judged. People who are just who they are. It's hard for me to imagine ever riding a long board, even though I think it would be fun, I don't have the courage to parade it around campus. I wish I did. So it never fails when I see someone with a long board, I crave to know them. I respect them. I want them to be a part of my life, because those are the people who succeed in life. They have this easy going air about them, in the way they just glide past me swooshing their boards from left to right. I feel the motion with them, calmly swaying back and forth. That's how they live, they just easily glide through life occasionally giving a little push with their foot, but never loosing control.
  I guess that's what I hate the most about break ups, they involve two people. You have no control over the other person; you can't dictate how they react. You can't make them say things, and as a result, you can't control where or how fast you're going. You can't even own a long board.
  All you can do is walk. No way to calmly get by. I hate they motions of my walk. They're jagged rough stomps and trips intertwined together. I don't any control, my feet just flap against the brick ground as they wish, guided by whatever amount of restraint or freedom I feel at the moment. Everything's guided by emotion, and the majority of the calmness I do portray is artificial. It's all pulled up to the surface from my out going closet buried deep within, and sadly, it often just attempts placid.