The State Fair

I have a feeling this weekend is going to go one of two ways. Either I'm going to buckle down and learn some damn Philosophy and get all my reading material done for Psychology, and study for my other Psychology exam on Monday. Or, I'm going to spend Friday night at the fair. Haaha my life right now.

Having to decide between being a kid and growing the fuck up. I mean no one wants to make that transition from being a kid to an adult, the rug always gets pulled out from under your feet. I can't imagine what I would have done without my parents, family, and friends to support me, and be good examples. I'm lucky, I have parents who care about my future, and who work with me to make sure that I succeed. 

I remember with my ex, Cody, how hard it was to stop goofing off, and to go out there and try to find himself. I tried to be his backbone through it all, sometimes in the end tho people want to discover that journey by themselves. Now all I can say to him, is "Cry if you need to, but I can't stay to watch you because that's the wrong thing to do. I need someone different, you know it." 

I am happy that I can be here for Dalton. I hope that he lets me in. I wont protrude too much, I'm just here for support. 

October Goal

I've decided to make at least one goal a month for me to hone in on and have a positive impact on either me, or the world around me, or both. I think it's important to keep growing. There's always something else you can improve on, something else that you can do better.

So today in my art studio class we had a visiting artist (Henry), and as he was working through a demo he stopped and looked at me and said, "Reality is constantly changing, what may be reality today could change tomorrow. Today you may be in a relationship, and tomorrow they might be gone, so don't let the reality of things determine how you live today."

I was so stunned that he was specifically speaking to me, I really didn't know how to react. As I looked around the room feeling a little bit stunned, everyone one else was just focusing on him and nodding. Was this something that really seemed this obvious to them? I have never thought about reality as being something that constantly evolves. I mean if it's real today, it's true tomorrow. I understand what he meant, I just wonder how he new to direct the statement towards me. I was the only person in the front row, and I was being pretty responsive, so maybe he thought his words would have a bigger impact on me. I think he liked getting a reaction from me, then again, I think everyone likes to feel heard. My main goal when I'm interacting with someone is to make sure that they feel like their words are impacting me, to let them know that I really hear them. Sadly, I think the people that I neglect this right to are the people that I need to hear me; the people that will love me no matter what. But honestly, those are the people that I really want to know I care the most. I guess thats my October goal.

#ExpectTheUnexpected

Long-term Memory: Structure reads the slide at the front of the classroom. I am currently sitting in my psychology 405 class stunned by the amount of reading material and memorization that will have to be done for the upcoming test. It seems as if school is a never ending vacuum, out to suck all of your energy and time away. It wont be long before I will be leaving the current dormitory that I live in for a new place. Dorms are so expensive, especially the apartment style. My wonderful roommate and long time high school friend will be left behind, unless I quotably "get onto the horseshoe" the prettiest and most convenient place to live on campus. So I assume I will be venturing out alone as either an RM (resident mentor) or as a student living at home.

What Were You Thinking?

I stopped using this blog because it was a representation of the pain that I felt over Cody. That's all it really was, another way to roll in my pain. Another way to exhaust the already exhausted. Looking back at how much time I spent obsessing over everything, I'm really upset with myself. What a waste of life. A whole year that I'll never get back. My freshman year spent crying. What was it all for? 
I had to do what I had to do to get over it all I guess. 
But I wish I could go back to the old me and tell her that it gets better. You CAN love again. You CAN have someone who treats you better. You can find someone who is going to want what is best for you, someone that won't just toss your emotions around because they themselves are insecure. Someone who is more of a decent human being. 
Someone who knows better. 
Someone who loves to make you smile. 
Someone with manners, and a kind heart. 
Someone who puts others before himself. 
Someone who is passionate about life.
Someone that makes you jump more often.
Someone that makes you grow.
This past summer welcomed more in with it than I could have ever foreseen.
I kept telling myself that once the summer ended, it would all fade away with it. All the stress-free nights that made me feel warm and happy inside. It was all good to be true, it would all vanish as soon as I entered my first class again.

The truth is, it's not the school that is taunted with stress and sorrow. It was me. And it just so happened that I was in school at the time.

I was so relieved and happy, truly happy, this first semester to know that I have all of these people around me who I can surround myself with to better me. To make me be more open to new things.

I give my friend Megan a lot of crap for being so wild and outgoing at times. But I also admire her a lot in ways too. And I absolutely 100% believe that I went to summer school for a reason, and met this person who has her own way of living, for a reason. I cannot thank God enough for making me be open to Megan and to getting to know her. I cannot thank Megan and God for enough for bringing me to Dalton either.

He's been the most supportive, sweet person to me. I can't even type this right now without crying, because its so real to me. I was so burdened with hate and sorrow, and right when I thought things were so bad, God showed me that I was wrong and I've been happy every since. 

I haven't been to church since Cody and I broke up, and I know it's not because I don't have time. I know it's because the church was and still kind of is taunted with Cody. I used to go to church almost every Sunday with Cody. Cody and I became one and so did all the things we enjoyed together.

Today, I'm taking it and breaking him out of it all. I'm saying that I can have all those things without him. I'm saying that I don't need his approval to be happy. I don't need his apology to move on. I don't want him to understand me. I just want out. Completely out. 

I want all my shit, and I want out. What was I thinking?

One more night

It's been so long since I've written, I guess you have to go out and live a little so that you have something to write about. Regrets? Yes. Lessons? Yes.

So it appears that I thought that it was a good idea to let my past mistakes back into my life again, guess I didn't learn it well enough the first oh 5 times. WHEN SOMEONE LIES TO YOU.

You know it's just like my mom used to tell me as a kid, "Lie to me once shame on you. Lie to my twice, shame on ME."

It's so true, and now that I have been put in the same situation, I think that it makes perfectly good sense to stop and not let the same shit happen again.

"So I cross my heart and hope to die, that I only stay with you one more night. I know I said it a million times, but I only stay with you one more night."

And so here I am welcoming the new song of my life. Cody and I are so sick. All we do is make each other love each other over and over again, just to feel stupid about it the next day. Or maybe it's just me. Honestly though, he must think he is making a mistake digging up our past again, because I can't handle it. Hah he just puts himself in a position that he never wanted in the first.

There we go again. His solution is just to stop using logic, to just let whats going to happen happen. Well thats a great fucking idea, because guess what. I'm not in this game of fuck all over Elizabeth again. This has to end. SO help me if I have to be the "bad guy" and jab the fake relationship to an end. We don't need this.

What are his motives any how?
I asked him yesterday thru texts, "Why do you text me?"
Well that was a huuuuuuge mistake. Kid didn't give me an answer, he just fucked around with my head about it, and then left it out on a cliff to dry.
Here's his response (clever fucking kid), "Why do you second guess yourself?"

Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Reff? Where's the Reff? Because I'm pretty sure that wasn't fucking fair.

"What do you mean?"

And so I tell him it's because I need to consider what my motives and logic are. He continues on to say that I basically just answered my question- whatever the fuck that means. "Does logic matter? Anyways the you asking me that is like me asking you why you're wishy washy"............

And then when I asked what that meant, Ladies and Gentlemen, I get... NO RESPONSE!

So if anyone reads this and feels like they can help me un-wravel some of the what I call, Crazy Cody shit, be my guest. I need some assistance here, please.

Back Home

I'm sitting here trying to figure out what is more important to write about right now. There has been so much going on this week and I couldn't possibly decide what is more important to address first.
No matter how mind numbing it all is, I can still feel myself continuing to turn to the window next to me and just gaze out... who cares about all the stressful relationships in my life right now?

I think it really hit me earlier today at lunch.
I swear every time I drive those thirty minutes back home to the small town I grew up in I learn more there than I ever do at college.
You'd think that college would be so full of life lessons..
But it's so ass backwards.
I go home for the weekend, and it's a whole new world there. All the people are so much more deep there now.
I met up my best friend for lunch today and another guy I graduated with came over to the table to say hello. Being the small town it is, we ended up eating lunch with him too. My friend disappeared off to get something, and the more I sat there and talked to this guy the more caught off guard I was.

Here all this time I thought the small town country boys were lacking this common knowledge and overcompensating with their jacked up trucks, party stories, and report cards full of F's, when really they were living.

He just sat there and told me his life like it was. Simple for him. One of realest people I've talked to in a week.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't care about status quo. If I can't hear God telling me anything else this week, that's what the one thing I have been sent a clear message about. I'm just so grateful that he has put these people in my life to display that to me.

When I finally do leave this place, I'm not going to remember what I did that was part of living the "college life", what I'm really going to rely on is the types of relationships that I formed with the real people. People like me.

Gone too...

The wine glass is near bottom for the second time, and i can't feel the change yet. I'm not much of a drinker, so this is all somewhat new to me. It's an interesting thing for me to be home alone in the living room gulping wine as quick as I can. I obviously haven't acquired the taste yet and find no need to slush it around in my mouth any longer than i absolutely have to.
This time it's not about the taste. Who needs the taste when what I'm really hoping to find is something more similar to that time I got my wisdom teeth pulled and spent the night in my room staring at the ceiling fan spin above my head.
I can see now that my veins are poking out more so than usual on my hand...but I try not to look and instead I try to put myself back in my bed. Back to a time when I was able to shut the door on love and welcome other things that I was sure wouldn't hurt me. It is true, there is no real answer for a broken heart; at least not one simple answer for everyone. We all have our own methods, and here's mine: "sipping" wine, and blogging...alone in the living room of the house that I grew up in. The only epic thing we're missing is a fire place, everything thing else exists to my pleasure: the wooden bookshelves coated in novels that form around the flat screen tele, the messaging chair in the opposite corner of the room, the huffing sleeping beagle, and lastly, the rich dark red leather sofas that line two of the western walls. Call it home- for now (since my parents might be moving).
I love this place. I fell in love with it in my teen years after I realized how dependent this place is. It's a 35 acre lot with pecan trees, fourwheeler routes, grass richer than Oprah's front lawn, a chicken farm lingering in the distance, a mechanic's shop that once was my fathers, and most importantly, the spot at the side of the house just off the edge of our long front porch. The spot where my body lays summer and all too soon in the spring feeling the sun. The spot where I sit bundled up in a coat and scarf for as long as I can stand it during the fall, nose touching my knee caps as I take in the view.
For so long this piece of land has been the one thing that I could always rely on. It watched me grow up into the person I am today; everything from the spoon I would dig with in the sand, to the hours I would spend mowing, singing to the fields.
And just like that, just like all good things vanish, it will be gone too.