It's been so long since I've written, I guess you have to go out and live a little so that you have something to write about. Regrets? Yes. Lessons? Yes.
So it appears that I thought that it was a good idea to let my past mistakes back into my life again, guess I didn't learn it well enough the first oh 5 times. WHEN SOMEONE LIES TO YOU.
You know it's just like my mom used to tell me as a kid, "Lie to me once shame on you. Lie to my twice, shame on ME."
It's so true, and now that I have been put in the same situation, I think that it makes perfectly good sense to stop and not let the same shit happen again.
"So I cross my heart and hope to die, that I only stay with you one more night. I know I said it a million times, but I only stay with you one more night."
And so here I am welcoming the new song of my life. Cody and I are so sick. All we do is make each other love each other over and over again, just to feel stupid about it the next day. Or maybe it's just me. Honestly though, he must think he is making a mistake digging up our past again, because I can't handle it. Hah he just puts himself in a position that he never wanted in the first.
There we go again. His solution is just to stop using logic, to just let whats going to happen happen. Well thats a great fucking idea, because guess what. I'm not in this game of fuck all over Elizabeth again. This has to end. SO help me if I have to be the "bad guy" and jab the fake relationship to an end. We don't need this.
What are his motives any how?
I asked him yesterday thru texts, "Why do you text me?"
Well that was a huuuuuuge mistake. Kid didn't give me an answer, he just fucked around with my head about it, and then left it out on a cliff to dry.
Here's his response (clever fucking kid), "Why do you second guess yourself?"
Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Reff? Where's the Reff? Because I'm pretty sure that wasn't fucking fair.
"What do you mean?"
And so I tell him it's because I need to consider what my motives and logic are. He continues on to say that I basically just answered my question- whatever the fuck that means. "Does logic matter? Anyways the you asking me that is like me asking you why you're wishy washy"............
And then when I asked what that meant, Ladies and Gentlemen, I get... NO RESPONSE!
So if anyone reads this and feels like they can help me un-wravel some of the what I call, Crazy Cody shit, be my guest. I need some assistance here, please.
The journey of a college student as she embarks her next four years of life. It's about how people find themselves, specifically, how I'm finding myself. It's about the future, and the people I love.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Back Home
I'm sitting here trying to figure out what is more important to write about right now. There has been so much going on this week and I couldn't possibly decide what is more important to address first.
No matter how mind numbing it all is, I can still feel myself continuing to turn to the window next to me and just gaze out... who cares about all the stressful relationships in my life right now?
I think it really hit me earlier today at lunch.
I swear every time I drive those thirty minutes back home to the small town I grew up in I learn more there than I ever do at college.
You'd think that college would be so full of life lessons..
But it's so ass backwards.
I go home for the weekend, and it's a whole new world there. All the people are so much more deep there now.
I met up my best friend for lunch today and another guy I graduated with came over to the table to say hello. Being the small town it is, we ended up eating lunch with him too. My friend disappeared off to get something, and the more I sat there and talked to this guy the more caught off guard I was.
Here all this time I thought the small town country boys were lacking this common knowledge and overcompensating with their jacked up trucks, party stories, and report cards full of F's, when really they were living.
He just sat there and told me his life like it was. Simple for him. One of realest people I've talked to in a week.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't care about status quo. If I can't hear God telling me anything else this week, that's what the one thing I have been sent a clear message about. I'm just so grateful that he has put these people in my life to display that to me.
When I finally do leave this place, I'm not going to remember what I did that was part of living the "college life", what I'm really going to rely on is the types of relationships that I formed with the real people. People like me.
No matter how mind numbing it all is, I can still feel myself continuing to turn to the window next to me and just gaze out... who cares about all the stressful relationships in my life right now?
I think it really hit me earlier today at lunch.
I swear every time I drive those thirty minutes back home to the small town I grew up in I learn more there than I ever do at college.
You'd think that college would be so full of life lessons..
But it's so ass backwards.
I go home for the weekend, and it's a whole new world there. All the people are so much more deep there now.
I met up my best friend for lunch today and another guy I graduated with came over to the table to say hello. Being the small town it is, we ended up eating lunch with him too. My friend disappeared off to get something, and the more I sat there and talked to this guy the more caught off guard I was.
Here all this time I thought the small town country boys were lacking this common knowledge and overcompensating with their jacked up trucks, party stories, and report cards full of F's, when really they were living.
He just sat there and told me his life like it was. Simple for him. One of realest people I've talked to in a week.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I don't care about status quo. If I can't hear God telling me anything else this week, that's what the one thing I have been sent a clear message about. I'm just so grateful that he has put these people in my life to display that to me.
When I finally do leave this place, I'm not going to remember what I did that was part of living the "college life", what I'm really going to rely on is the types of relationships that I formed with the real people. People like me.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Gone too...
The wine glass is near bottom for the second time, and i can't feel the change yet. I'm not much of a drinker, so this is all somewhat new to me. It's an interesting thing for me to be home alone in the living room gulping wine as quick as I can. I obviously haven't acquired the taste yet and find no need to slush it around in my mouth any longer than i absolutely have to.
This time it's not about the taste. Who needs the taste when what I'm really hoping to find is something more similar to that time I got my wisdom teeth pulled and spent the night in my room staring at the ceiling fan spin above my head.
I can see now that my veins are poking out more so than usual on my hand...but I try not to look and instead I try to put myself back in my bed. Back to a time when I was able to shut the door on love and welcome other things that I was sure wouldn't hurt me. It is true, there is no real answer for a broken heart; at least not one simple answer for everyone. We all have our own methods, and here's mine: "sipping" wine, and blogging...alone in the living room of the house that I grew up in. The only epic thing we're missing is a fire place, everything thing else exists to my pleasure: the wooden bookshelves coated in novels that form around the flat screen tele, the messaging chair in the opposite corner of the room, the huffing sleeping beagle, and lastly, the rich dark red leather sofas that line two of the western walls. Call it home- for now (since my parents might be moving).
I love this place. I fell in love with it in my teen years after I realized how dependent this place is. It's a 35 acre lot with pecan trees, fourwheeler routes, grass richer than Oprah's front lawn, a chicken farm lingering in the distance, a mechanic's shop that once was my fathers, and most importantly, the spot at the side of the house just off the edge of our long front porch. The spot where my body lays summer and all too soon in the spring feeling the sun. The spot where I sit bundled up in a coat and scarf for as long as I can stand it during the fall, nose touching my knee caps as I take in the view.
For so long this piece of land has been the one thing that I could always rely on. It watched me grow up into the person I am today; everything from the spoon I would dig with in the sand, to the hours I would spend mowing, singing to the fields.
And just like that, just like all good things vanish, it will be gone too.
This time it's not about the taste. Who needs the taste when what I'm really hoping to find is something more similar to that time I got my wisdom teeth pulled and spent the night in my room staring at the ceiling fan spin above my head.
I can see now that my veins are poking out more so than usual on my hand...but I try not to look and instead I try to put myself back in my bed. Back to a time when I was able to shut the door on love and welcome other things that I was sure wouldn't hurt me. It is true, there is no real answer for a broken heart; at least not one simple answer for everyone. We all have our own methods, and here's mine: "sipping" wine, and blogging...alone in the living room of the house that I grew up in. The only epic thing we're missing is a fire place, everything thing else exists to my pleasure: the wooden bookshelves coated in novels that form around the flat screen tele, the messaging chair in the opposite corner of the room, the huffing sleeping beagle, and lastly, the rich dark red leather sofas that line two of the western walls. Call it home- for now (since my parents might be moving).
I love this place. I fell in love with it in my teen years after I realized how dependent this place is. It's a 35 acre lot with pecan trees, fourwheeler routes, grass richer than Oprah's front lawn, a chicken farm lingering in the distance, a mechanic's shop that once was my fathers, and most importantly, the spot at the side of the house just off the edge of our long front porch. The spot where my body lays summer and all too soon in the spring feeling the sun. The spot where I sit bundled up in a coat and scarf for as long as I can stand it during the fall, nose touching my knee caps as I take in the view.
For so long this piece of land has been the one thing that I could always rely on. It watched me grow up into the person I am today; everything from the spoon I would dig with in the sand, to the hours I would spend mowing, singing to the fields.
And just like that, just like all good things vanish, it will be gone too.
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Fearing the Unknown
I don't understand people, guys especially. I guess I should be used to losing people by now, and I used to think i could blink it away and shake it off. Now I know it's not like that anymore.
I'm always going to feel, and as long as I feel the relationship while it's there, I will also inevitably feel it when it's gone.
You can never replace people.
What I really mean is that I will never replace him, no matter what I do. There is never going to be another him.
I don't know how much longer I could have been greedy, continuing to talk to him, even though I was almost for certain he was with someone else. I don't like losing people...so of course, letting him go- someone I never really even had (who ever he is) was hard. Even now, hours later while he's not speaking to me, I feel the slap of pain across my lungs.
There's nothing I can do to fix it.
People are who they are, he is a very handsome, sweet, liar. No matter how perfect they are for you, if the both of you have no trust, then neither of you really have anything.
We didn't have trust..rather instances of hope for trust.
I don't regret talking to him, and when I said I loved him back, I really did.
Even as I sit here curled up in my bed wishing there was an outlet for all this energy of emotion that rushes over me in every shade, I know there's no use; the only real drug was him. Yes he was a drug. Every time I talked to him, I instantly smiled and often found myself laughing.. for no real reason other than I was having a good time. That doesn't happen as much for me anymore. I don't just walk around on top of the world anymore, but when I talked to him.. I was settled. The draw in of a thick solid then fuzzy warm feeling.
Withdrawals will hit me like a wall soon I know, because I can already feel the sadness creeping up on me; the summer leaving me with the dreadful winter. I wonder if other people experience this at the same level I do? Maybe I'm too fragile, too reliant. I'm almost positive that when you lose someone, you're supposed to be left with yourself...but I'm beginning to wonder what I look like without a smile, without me.
What does he feel? Does he feel anything? Is he using distractions to suppress things, or is he simply closing the door and continuing on with his life?
Fearing the unknown has stood in my paths way for some odd 5 years now with all guys. I don't worry until one thing happens and then boom, 3 pictures I feel shaky about and it's a whirling domino effect. From that point on my brain gushes with scenarios and accusations waiting for it all to crumble like it should; fearing that there is something I don't want to know about them, fearing the UnKnown.
Unfortunately this time, everything about him was unknown, down to whether or not it was even him I was talking to.
It doesn't really matter though, who ever he was, he made me happy. No matter where his heart really belonged, or what ever lies he told me- if he did, he made me happy. Really happy. I would have accepted him honest, even if that painted a picture he was afraid I wouldn't like.
He's so wrong though, I'm going to love it no matter what. I'm going to accept it for all of it's imperfections and brush strokes dark or light. I'm the type of girl who would embellish on every fold of color and want to know why he did it that way. The type of girl who would see something unique and perfect about it each time I looked. I would want to keep it, frame it, hang it in my room.
He has no idea. I want all of him. Not just what he chooses to show me. I want to know the truth.
That's all I ever want.
Not so complicated really, because to me the truth is more important when I ask you directly, than any other time. It's not complicated because no matter what the truth is, I will accept it, work with it, and be okay with it.
I'm always going to feel, and as long as I feel the relationship while it's there, I will also inevitably feel it when it's gone.
You can never replace people.
What I really mean is that I will never replace him, no matter what I do. There is never going to be another him.
I don't know how much longer I could have been greedy, continuing to talk to him, even though I was almost for certain he was with someone else. I don't like losing people...so of course, letting him go- someone I never really even had (who ever he is) was hard. Even now, hours later while he's not speaking to me, I feel the slap of pain across my lungs.
There's nothing I can do to fix it.
People are who they are, he is a very handsome, sweet, liar. No matter how perfect they are for you, if the both of you have no trust, then neither of you really have anything.
We didn't have trust..rather instances of hope for trust.
I don't regret talking to him, and when I said I loved him back, I really did.
Even as I sit here curled up in my bed wishing there was an outlet for all this energy of emotion that rushes over me in every shade, I know there's no use; the only real drug was him. Yes he was a drug. Every time I talked to him, I instantly smiled and often found myself laughing.. for no real reason other than I was having a good time. That doesn't happen as much for me anymore. I don't just walk around on top of the world anymore, but when I talked to him.. I was settled. The draw in of a thick solid then fuzzy warm feeling.
Withdrawals will hit me like a wall soon I know, because I can already feel the sadness creeping up on me; the summer leaving me with the dreadful winter. I wonder if other people experience this at the same level I do? Maybe I'm too fragile, too reliant. I'm almost positive that when you lose someone, you're supposed to be left with yourself...but I'm beginning to wonder what I look like without a smile, without me.
What does he feel? Does he feel anything? Is he using distractions to suppress things, or is he simply closing the door and continuing on with his life?
Fearing the unknown has stood in my paths way for some odd 5 years now with all guys. I don't worry until one thing happens and then boom, 3 pictures I feel shaky about and it's a whirling domino effect. From that point on my brain gushes with scenarios and accusations waiting for it all to crumble like it should; fearing that there is something I don't want to know about them, fearing the UnKnown.
Unfortunately this time, everything about him was unknown, down to whether or not it was even him I was talking to.
It doesn't really matter though, who ever he was, he made me happy. No matter where his heart really belonged, or what ever lies he told me- if he did, he made me happy. Really happy. I would have accepted him honest, even if that painted a picture he was afraid I wouldn't like.
He's so wrong though, I'm going to love it no matter what. I'm going to accept it for all of it's imperfections and brush strokes dark or light. I'm the type of girl who would embellish on every fold of color and want to know why he did it that way. The type of girl who would see something unique and perfect about it each time I looked. I would want to keep it, frame it, hang it in my room.
He has no idea. I want all of him. Not just what he chooses to show me. I want to know the truth.
That's all I ever want.
Not so complicated really, because to me the truth is more important when I ask you directly, than any other time. It's not complicated because no matter what the truth is, I will accept it, work with it, and be okay with it.
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