What Were You Thinking?

I stopped using this blog because it was a representation of the pain that I felt over Cody. That's all it really was, another way to roll in my pain. Another way to exhaust the already exhausted. Looking back at how much time I spent obsessing over everything, I'm really upset with myself. What a waste of life. A whole year that I'll never get back. My freshman year spent crying. What was it all for? 
I had to do what I had to do to get over it all I guess. 
But I wish I could go back to the old me and tell her that it gets better. You CAN love again. You CAN have someone who treats you better. You can find someone who is going to want what is best for you, someone that won't just toss your emotions around because they themselves are insecure. Someone who is more of a decent human being. 
Someone who knows better. 
Someone who loves to make you smile. 
Someone with manners, and a kind heart. 
Someone who puts others before himself. 
Someone who is passionate about life.
Someone that makes you jump more often.
Someone that makes you grow.
This past summer welcomed more in with it than I could have ever foreseen.
I kept telling myself that once the summer ended, it would all fade away with it. All the stress-free nights that made me feel warm and happy inside. It was all good to be true, it would all vanish as soon as I entered my first class again.

The truth is, it's not the school that is taunted with stress and sorrow. It was me. And it just so happened that I was in school at the time.

I was so relieved and happy, truly happy, this first semester to know that I have all of these people around me who I can surround myself with to better me. To make me be more open to new things.

I give my friend Megan a lot of crap for being so wild and outgoing at times. But I also admire her a lot in ways too. And I absolutely 100% believe that I went to summer school for a reason, and met this person who has her own way of living, for a reason. I cannot thank God enough for making me be open to Megan and to getting to know her. I cannot thank Megan and God for enough for bringing me to Dalton either.

He's been the most supportive, sweet person to me. I can't even type this right now without crying, because its so real to me. I was so burdened with hate and sorrow, and right when I thought things were so bad, God showed me that I was wrong and I've been happy every since. 

I haven't been to church since Cody and I broke up, and I know it's not because I don't have time. I know it's because the church was and still kind of is taunted with Cody. I used to go to church almost every Sunday with Cody. Cody and I became one and so did all the things we enjoyed together.

Today, I'm taking it and breaking him out of it all. I'm saying that I can have all those things without him. I'm saying that I don't need his approval to be happy. I don't need his apology to move on. I don't want him to understand me. I just want out. Completely out. 

I want all my shit, and I want out. What was I thinking?