The Other Me

It's taken me a long time to "find myself"... several months have passed, the seasons have come and go. It's getting colder outside everyday and I'm starting to need to carry a sweater with me to classes. The cold crisp air is a change that reminds me that I am someone. That I must be real because time is passing and the seasons change.

Walking campus can be such a drag sometimes, passing old memories that I try not to cling onto, but they feel very real. When I pass by McBryde I see our freshman crush playing his guitar and I think, wow he was a loser. When I walk down the hill and pass South Quad I think about the friendship that I lost and how things are so different now. My walk is longer than it used to be, so much longer. And then that horrific bridge gets closer and I swear I can feel the cold wind whipping my hair in my face as my headphones blasted "take a shot for me" that my first boyfriend dedicated to me as we broke up. I have never walked across something so large and felt so small and alone. I can see people coming in and out of my life everyday. People that left long, long, ago. People that I never event thought that I cared about until now. I see Bates West off in the distance and I think about how Cody treated me awful and lied to me and I cringe. Then I look down and see the field full of lacrosse players and I feel a sadness and exhale. What freedom, what carelessness. Dalton used to make me feel at peace on a lacrosse field watching him laugh and smile and not have a care in the world, and I would be able to push away all of my worries, even if just for a short time.

By the time I finally make it home, I'm exhausted. I wish to free myself of a campus that haunts all of my happiness, and its pathetic. I have more good times that bad, but the bad sting more and hang around much longer.

I don't really know what I am expecting out of a place that is only my perception. I know I'm the problem but the more I try to let the feelings just come and leave, the more put down I feel. I know that I will be gone soon, but do I really want to leave things this way?

Dalton is now joining the Army. It's been a rough last few years fighting with him to grow up and having to have peace with our separation. But you know life still goes on. The wind still blows and the seasons still change, with or without my approval.

Just like that my whole world is out of my hands. I don't have anyone to be broken with. Isn't that pathetic? I think that this other person in me, the real me, just wants to leave campus and go to the cold October beach and just wander around lost until I find myself.

The successful me keeps sticking to her schedule and going to her classes, checking her calander and to-do lists, smiling at successes. And the other me, maybe the inner me or the real me, who knows, keeps waiting for the successful me to be done so that she can breath. Just a few more months I tell her. Just a little bit more time and you can be free.

Tangles of Romance

The truth is love is confusing. I never know what it really looks like for me. I wait to see his face all of the time and it always surprises me how much I take his smile for granted in the distance we spend apart. Its remarkable that even when I know I am about to turn to look into his eyes, I still, every time am blown away. Shocked by my own lack of remembrance, or maybe reminded, but I think that it's really me feeling myself fall in love with him time after time. I know that I am still young, so it might seem strange to say that he makes me feel like a kid, but he does.
  I won't lie, things with Dalton have been so hard. We have been struggling so much to find the right place with one another. I think that it has made us stronger. I just want him to unleash the inner Dalton that I know exists. The Dalton that stops second guessing how dependable I am. I won't be the pointer here though, I feel the same way about him. I wonder all the time if he could be the one, and we're not even dating, its hysterical. What's next? We'll have kids, get married and then fall out of love? Nothing seems right, love isn't at all like what Disney told me it would be. Love is really complex and complicated. There is no one answer to the many complexities of love. It flows like a fucking river at time, and others it stops in the middle of everything and the water dries up and you find yourself forgetting that there is no fun in the waterfall jump without the churning of the water.
  Sometimes I wonder how I will ever be able to sit across from two people who have fallen out of love and remind them of all of the reasons why they fell in love. How could I do that when I haven't found the real love myself?
  My trust has been ruined with the last person I was with, and yet when I am before Dalton, there is no worry in the world, I trust him with every fiber in my body... I feel a connection with him that I have felt with no other. This might be the Disney shit.

Why Crying is Good for Us

Whats wrong with me? I am twenty years old sitting in my apartment at school tears pouring down my face. Love does some crazy things to you. You know I've always thought that you shouldn't stick with someone who makes you cry more than once. Isn't it inevitable though? If we all went by that, wouldn't we all be so lonely? I guess we wouldn't be crying tho. Oh if my dad saw me right now he would be so disappointed in me. Why am I putting myself into a situation that leaves me to get hurt? I already feel a little better, crying does wonders. 
I started to put my tears to good use and distracted myself with a little tear information.

Did you know that the chemicals that build up during emotional stress are literally "cried out" when we cry? There is also a difference in the makeup of our tears that come from pain, and tears that come from emotion. The emotional types of tears are embedded with higher levels manganese and protein. Manganese helps to keep your blood pressure in line. It is shown that 88.8 percent of people done in a particular study confessed to feel relieved and less stressed out after a "good cry"; this might be due to  It can also help with boosting your immunity. 

Sources:
"Why Crying Is Good for Your Health." Mirror. N.p., n.d. Web. 15 Apr. 2014.
"Why We Cry: The Truth About Tearing Up." WebMD. WebMD, n.d. Web. 15 Apr. 2014.

Sophomore year is almost over

 I was trying to figure things out for myself and who I am. I definitely feel like I am in a part of my life where the things that I want and who I am, are being molded a little more everyday. My values are starting to change this year and I have noticed myself viewing the world differently. It is hard deciding where you stand on everything, and that is what growing up and college forces you to constantly think about. Will you hold the door for the stranger or will you stay focused on your own success and plow through? Will you stick with your chosen major? Are you conservative or liberal? How religious are you now that you’re on your own? What foods do you choose to eat? How often will you exercise? Do you clean your living space often or let it stay dirty? Are you going to grad school? What are you doing with your life? Do you have a partner of any sort? What things or people are you most committed to in life? Who are you and where are you going in life? And that’s how I feel most everyday, and it weighs on me. 

Look at me, 2 years in and I am still finding myself. These are the questions that make me wonder how people get married at 20 years old. 

Daydreaming

I’m sitting in the ceramics studio, and I cant help but mentally whimper a bit. Today is my last day to work in the studio with wet clay. This sucks. I wish I would have had more time this semester to come in and make things. 

More than that, I wish I lived in a old brick apartment. Brick surrounding everywhere, and built into the wall in the living room there would be tall wooden bookshelves.  I always daydream about a kitchen with a window in front of the sink where I can stand and wash dishes with my hair pulled up in a mess, a few strands falling around my face.  I want Dalton standing behind me holding my waist while I hand wash the dishes, music flowing in the background, the both of us swaying side to side. After some time, he might grin out of the side of his mouth like he always does, and begin to tickle me. I can see myself scooping up a handful of soap suds and smushing it on his cheek. At first he looks alarmed, but it quickly fades. I notice his eyebrows fall together into a stern line. I scan his face in what feels like a slow manner, even though I know it mustn’t have been but a second or two it feels like time slows, and now I’ve found his eyes, slightly squinted and stern. Reflexively my heart jumps; I know I’m in trouble. He reaches up quickly, wipes the suds off of his face and scrapes them off into the sink. I’m looking for a way to squirm out of his arms, now braced onto the counter, barricading me in and I can find no escape. My eyes widen as I look up at him. He leans in and speaks roughly from the bottom of his throat, “Where do you think you’re going?” My breath hitches and with that he scoops me up and I begin squealing, my arms and legs flailing in the air. 

:)

I just had a major realization today. Reading through some of my old stuff, it makes me laugh now. You see, I spent all this time really defining the type of man I wanted. 

August 30th:  "It was nice that he knew who he was and what he wanted. I think it surprised me more that once I had to opportunity to be with him, it was just that confidence that turned me away. I think I saw that he was all that he was ever going to be, right now. He had no more life altering events. He didn't need me. I want to be with someone who is growing everyday. Someone who wants to be something more as a person. Someone who is always striving to reach a goal. Constantly at work to improve themselves- in a critical manner but not a destructive one. I see that ambition in my dad and l guess that's how I define a good man. I want someone who aspires. Someone who isn't lazy, someone who is reaching for the stars and all the while smiling." 

   I mean really narrowing things down.

 " I hope I dont ever loose sight of what I want in a man. I hope I find someone who truly loves me. I know things are getting confusing and will probably get even more confusing when school starts back but I want to have a level head about guys. I think Harris was a good preparation for school.. I texted him today and told him I was close to his hometown and he pretty much blew me off. Typical. Haha remind me not to text him anymore. Or to go out with him, he's such a tool. 

Well I don't really have much to say.. Me and Ben have been texting lately.. And he's a good texter, wonder what else he's good at. Heheh. I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore tho. Like the butterflies aren't completely there. I think it has a lot to do with me still feeling like he belongs to corrie. And I haven't seen him in a long time so it's hard to feel that way. But I do know that I once really liked him so I can't pass up the chance to at least be friends with him again." 

   And I did date a lot of people this summer, but the main thing I found was that almost doesn't count. I think they all taught me what I do and don't want perfectly. And then when I met Dalton, it didn't take me long to figure out that he was the one I really wanted. 

  "I'm starting to get really close to Dalton and as much as it makes me want to run away, I can tell I won't. Relationships like these don't come everyday. It's the type if relationship that you easily become addicted to and love. What's really alarming to me is how nurturing his demeanor is. It makes me wonder why I'm so reliant on that trait in a relationship. Does that mean I'm missing the nurture in my life that I need so I seek it out in friendships? Or does it mean that he's like my father? Quite frankly his gestures and morals mock my dad's. I wonder how they would get along. Would dad recognize Dalton's nature in himself? Would he respect him?"

  I may not have known then why, but looking back at some of the things I wrote, I know now exactly why. He is my ideal guy, whether he realizes that or not. He's everything and more to me. 

Something from June 29th

  I am lying in bed listening to we are the people by the empire of the sun. It's the same song that I listened to when I was high off of pain killers last year. I remember staring at the ceiling fan while it spun thinking that I was so comfortable and entertained, I could lie there for hours and not care. 
  That's what I want this song to do to me now: I want to be able to lay here and not care. I can't explain why but suddenly I feel mad. It's like my inner being is throwing a bitch fit in the middle of Walmart on the cereal isle. I'm kind of pissed. I never really write when I'm angry, not while I'm angry. It's too easy to forget I'm mad or worse embellish in the anger. Yet here I am feeling angry, and I don't know why..

  If I think really hard about it I just.. Whoa Im almost angry at Cody I think. Which is ridiculous. I've never been truly angry at him.. But this is so real. 

It's fading more now to just an extreme agitation. Now that I think about it tho, I have been a little grumpy all day.

Yeah idk 

I noticed at work that I was able to just push people around bc I was agitated. It's like this creeping, I don't give a fuck attitude. I mean I was polite to all the customers I just didn't take any mental crap. I didn't care of they made a face at me that was displeasing. It didn't bother me, I was just able to let it roll off me. 

I guess that's just how I am when I'm agitated normally. You can say or do things to offend me, and I will literally just shrug it off, I really just lack empathy when I'm pissed. It's like when I was aggravated for no real reason at the bonfire and kris told me "fuck you" and I didn't even look at her. I just shrugged my shoulders. YOLO bitch! Hah I was angry and laughing at my anger and hers at the same time. 

Of course the fact that I shrugged just made her feel stupid. I mean the I sort of felt bad for her. She's really that insecure that she had to blurt "fuck you" to me. How sad. I can't imagine the insecurity that she felt to launch such harsh words at me over nothing. 

I'm still pretty pissed. 

I mean I can definitely think of reasons why I could be mad. But I don't think it's just one thing. I think it's a lot of shit falling out of the trees around me like dead leaves during my beautiful summer. Like who the fuck are you trying to bring darkness to my glory. 

I'm agitated because..

Moms always in a sour mood and she is rude to me. But more than that, she's always sad. It depresses me after a while. Mostly because I know that she's sad bc dad isn't here and she misses him.. And there's nothing I can do to make her happy and it's been like this for months. She's gotten weaker since grandma Robinson passed away. Her game face is gone. I'm mad. 

I'm mad because she has to work so hard at the farm, and she comes home and cries because she hurts so badly.. And there's nothing I can do. The only person who could make her feel better really is dad. And he's not here. And I'm mad. 

I'm not mad at a person or God. I'm just mad. It's not anyone's fault that things are happening the way they are- I completely accept my fate for what it is. I do think that God works in mysterious ways. 

I keep thinking about this Spanish class I was dreading taking this summer.. And honestly I know I was there for a reason, I met some people that I think not only impacted me, but who impacted each other. And I have this uncanny sense of family with most of the people who were in that class. Like I couldn't have met any better of people, like I would have strained a lot to help any one of them.

I cared about them and their lives and what happens to them later... I don't know them well, but at the same time I do. I feel some unearthly connection with them- especially Joseph and Megan.. And Elliot and perhaps Harris if I allowed myself to. And Tracey felt like an aunt, and Sophia a cousin. Joseph was a brother to me for sure and Megan a sister. And Harris... A good friend. 

I'm a little sad bc I know that it's already something of the past. I'll never get those moments back. We were all like a team. We worked together well and all wanted to succeed. It's was real tight. I hope I can always feel that connection with them. 

A part of me also misses Chris. I'm not sure if it's Chris that I miss of just his kindness. I think I just really am beginning to respect and admire him for the way he treated me and just people in general. He's always been a sweetheart. Harris slipped up on me and reminded me that I'm not cool. That I can't be like every other USC girl. He demeaned me indirectly. I forgot that not just any guy will be a gentleman. 

Not to say that I don't like Harris. He's my bro.. Like I wish I was good enough for him. But I'm okay with not being perfection as long as I can just still be me because some other guy is going to see me for me and still want me. Like Chris does or did.

He saw me in my zone molding clay. He saw me around my family and my best friends. He saw me at my worst- in the mornings and right after cosy and I broke up. He saw me quiet, and sad, frustrated and talkative. Content and happy. And he still liked me. He still wanted more of me. He may not have a lot of time, or lack of effort to make a plan.. But I still think in some other time, he's the right guy for me, 

He uplifted me. Told me that my religion and innocence was good. He respected me. 

I'm really thankful for all the people who are and who have been in my life. They were all there for a reason. It's hard to explain why I am glad but I am.


So overall I'm agitated and yet reserved about it. It's a cool pot brewing at it's best oxymoron,


-Elizabeth