That's what I want this song to do to me now: I want to be able to lay here and not care. I can't explain why but suddenly I feel mad. It's like my inner being is throwing a bitch fit in the middle of Walmart on the cereal isle. I'm kind of pissed. I never really write when I'm angry, not while I'm angry. It's too easy to forget I'm mad or worse embellish in the anger. Yet here I am feeling angry, and I don't know why..
If I think really hard about it I just.. Whoa Im almost angry at Cody I think. Which is ridiculous. I've never been truly angry at him.. But this is so real.
It's fading more now to just an extreme agitation. Now that I think about it tho, I have been a little grumpy all day.
Yeah idk
I noticed at work that I was able to just push people around bc I was agitated. It's like this creeping, I don't give a fuck attitude. I mean I was polite to all the customers I just didn't take any mental crap. I didn't care of they made a face at me that was displeasing. It didn't bother me, I was just able to let it roll off me.
I guess that's just how I am when I'm agitated normally. You can say or do things to offend me, and I will literally just shrug it off, I really just lack empathy when I'm pissed. It's like when I was aggravated for no real reason at the bonfire and kris told me "fuck you" and I didn't even look at her. I just shrugged my shoulders. YOLO bitch! Hah I was angry and laughing at my anger and hers at the same time.
Of course the fact that I shrugged just made her feel stupid. I mean the I sort of felt bad for her. She's really that insecure that she had to blurt "fuck you" to me. How sad. I can't imagine the insecurity that she felt to launch such harsh words at me over nothing.
I'm still pretty pissed.
I mean I can definitely think of reasons why I could be mad. But I don't think it's just one thing. I think it's a lot of shit falling out of the trees around me like dead leaves during my beautiful summer. Like who the fuck are you trying to bring darkness to my glory.
I'm agitated because..
Moms always in a sour mood and she is rude to me. But more than that, she's always sad. It depresses me after a while. Mostly because I know that she's sad bc dad isn't here and she misses him.. And there's nothing I can do to make her happy and it's been like this for months. She's gotten weaker since grandma Robinson passed away. Her game face is gone. I'm mad.
I'm mad because she has to work so hard at the farm, and she comes home and cries because she hurts so badly.. And there's nothing I can do. The only person who could make her feel better really is dad. And he's not here. And I'm mad.
I'm not mad at a person or God. I'm just mad. It's not anyone's fault that things are happening the way they are- I completely accept my fate for what it is. I do think that God works in mysterious ways.
I keep thinking about this Spanish class I was dreading taking this summer.. And honestly I know I was there for a reason, I met some people that I think not only impacted me, but who impacted each other. And I have this uncanny sense of family with most of the people who were in that class. Like I couldn't have met any better of people, like I would have strained a lot to help any one of them.
I cared about them and their lives and what happens to them later... I don't know them well, but at the same time I do. I feel some unearthly connection with them- especially Joseph and Megan.. And Elliot and perhaps Harris if I allowed myself to. And Tracey felt like an aunt, and Sophia a cousin. Joseph was a brother to me for sure and Megan a sister. And Harris... A good friend.
I'm a little sad bc I know that it's already something of the past. I'll never get those moments back. We were all like a team. We worked together well and all wanted to succeed. It's was real tight. I hope I can always feel that connection with them.
A part of me also misses Chris. I'm not sure if it's Chris that I miss of just his kindness. I think I just really am beginning to respect and admire him for the way he treated me and just people in general. He's always been a sweetheart. Harris slipped up on me and reminded me that I'm not cool. That I can't be like every other USC girl. He demeaned me indirectly. I forgot that not just any guy will be a gentleman.
Not to say that I don't like Harris. He's my bro.. Like I wish I was good enough for him. But I'm okay with not being perfection as long as I can just still be me because some other guy is going to see me for me and still want me. Like Chris does or did.
He saw me in my zone molding clay. He saw me around my family and my best friends. He saw me at my worst- in the mornings and right after cosy and I broke up. He saw me quiet, and sad, frustrated and talkative. Content and happy. And he still liked me. He still wanted more of me. He may not have a lot of time, or lack of effort to make a plan.. But I still think in some other time, he's the right guy for me,
He uplifted me. Told me that my religion and innocence was good. He respected me.
I'm really thankful for all the people who are and who have been in my life. They were all there for a reason. It's hard to explain why I am glad but I am.
So overall I'm agitated and yet reserved about it. It's a cool pot brewing at it's best oxymoron,
-Elizabeth
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