Daydreaming

I’m sitting in the ceramics studio, and I cant help but mentally whimper a bit. Today is my last day to work in the studio with wet clay. This sucks. I wish I would have had more time this semester to come in and make things. 

More than that, I wish I lived in a old brick apartment. Brick surrounding everywhere, and built into the wall in the living room there would be tall wooden bookshelves.  I always daydream about a kitchen with a window in front of the sink where I can stand and wash dishes with my hair pulled up in a mess, a few strands falling around my face.  I want Dalton standing behind me holding my waist while I hand wash the dishes, music flowing in the background, the both of us swaying side to side. After some time, he might grin out of the side of his mouth like he always does, and begin to tickle me. I can see myself scooping up a handful of soap suds and smushing it on his cheek. At first he looks alarmed, but it quickly fades. I notice his eyebrows fall together into a stern line. I scan his face in what feels like a slow manner, even though I know it mustn’t have been but a second or two it feels like time slows, and now I’ve found his eyes, slightly squinted and stern. Reflexively my heart jumps; I know I’m in trouble. He reaches up quickly, wipes the suds off of his face and scrapes them off into the sink. I’m looking for a way to squirm out of his arms, now braced onto the counter, barricading me in and I can find no escape. My eyes widen as I look up at him. He leans in and speaks roughly from the bottom of his throat, “Where do you think you’re going?” My breath hitches and with that he scoops me up and I begin squealing, my arms and legs flailing in the air. 

:)

I just had a major realization today. Reading through some of my old stuff, it makes me laugh now. You see, I spent all this time really defining the type of man I wanted. 

August 30th:  "It was nice that he knew who he was and what he wanted. I think it surprised me more that once I had to opportunity to be with him, it was just that confidence that turned me away. I think I saw that he was all that he was ever going to be, right now. He had no more life altering events. He didn't need me. I want to be with someone who is growing everyday. Someone who wants to be something more as a person. Someone who is always striving to reach a goal. Constantly at work to improve themselves- in a critical manner but not a destructive one. I see that ambition in my dad and l guess that's how I define a good man. I want someone who aspires. Someone who isn't lazy, someone who is reaching for the stars and all the while smiling." 

   I mean really narrowing things down.

 " I hope I dont ever loose sight of what I want in a man. I hope I find someone who truly loves me. I know things are getting confusing and will probably get even more confusing when school starts back but I want to have a level head about guys. I think Harris was a good preparation for school.. I texted him today and told him I was close to his hometown and he pretty much blew me off. Typical. Haha remind me not to text him anymore. Or to go out with him, he's such a tool. 

Well I don't really have much to say.. Me and Ben have been texting lately.. And he's a good texter, wonder what else he's good at. Heheh. I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore tho. Like the butterflies aren't completely there. I think it has a lot to do with me still feeling like he belongs to corrie. And I haven't seen him in a long time so it's hard to feel that way. But I do know that I once really liked him so I can't pass up the chance to at least be friends with him again." 

   And I did date a lot of people this summer, but the main thing I found was that almost doesn't count. I think they all taught me what I do and don't want perfectly. And then when I met Dalton, it didn't take me long to figure out that he was the one I really wanted. 

  "I'm starting to get really close to Dalton and as much as it makes me want to run away, I can tell I won't. Relationships like these don't come everyday. It's the type if relationship that you easily become addicted to and love. What's really alarming to me is how nurturing his demeanor is. It makes me wonder why I'm so reliant on that trait in a relationship. Does that mean I'm missing the nurture in my life that I need so I seek it out in friendships? Or does it mean that he's like my father? Quite frankly his gestures and morals mock my dad's. I wonder how they would get along. Would dad recognize Dalton's nature in himself? Would he respect him?"

  I may not have known then why, but looking back at some of the things I wrote, I know now exactly why. He is my ideal guy, whether he realizes that or not. He's everything and more to me. 

Something from June 29th

  I am lying in bed listening to we are the people by the empire of the sun. It's the same song that I listened to when I was high off of pain killers last year. I remember staring at the ceiling fan while it spun thinking that I was so comfortable and entertained, I could lie there for hours and not care. 
  That's what I want this song to do to me now: I want to be able to lay here and not care. I can't explain why but suddenly I feel mad. It's like my inner being is throwing a bitch fit in the middle of Walmart on the cereal isle. I'm kind of pissed. I never really write when I'm angry, not while I'm angry. It's too easy to forget I'm mad or worse embellish in the anger. Yet here I am feeling angry, and I don't know why..

  If I think really hard about it I just.. Whoa Im almost angry at Cody I think. Which is ridiculous. I've never been truly angry at him.. But this is so real. 

It's fading more now to just an extreme agitation. Now that I think about it tho, I have been a little grumpy all day.

Yeah idk 

I noticed at work that I was able to just push people around bc I was agitated. It's like this creeping, I don't give a fuck attitude. I mean I was polite to all the customers I just didn't take any mental crap. I didn't care of they made a face at me that was displeasing. It didn't bother me, I was just able to let it roll off me. 

I guess that's just how I am when I'm agitated normally. You can say or do things to offend me, and I will literally just shrug it off, I really just lack empathy when I'm pissed. It's like when I was aggravated for no real reason at the bonfire and kris told me "fuck you" and I didn't even look at her. I just shrugged my shoulders. YOLO bitch! Hah I was angry and laughing at my anger and hers at the same time. 

Of course the fact that I shrugged just made her feel stupid. I mean the I sort of felt bad for her. She's really that insecure that she had to blurt "fuck you" to me. How sad. I can't imagine the insecurity that she felt to launch such harsh words at me over nothing. 

I'm still pretty pissed. 

I mean I can definitely think of reasons why I could be mad. But I don't think it's just one thing. I think it's a lot of shit falling out of the trees around me like dead leaves during my beautiful summer. Like who the fuck are you trying to bring darkness to my glory. 

I'm agitated because..

Moms always in a sour mood and she is rude to me. But more than that, she's always sad. It depresses me after a while. Mostly because I know that she's sad bc dad isn't here and she misses him.. And there's nothing I can do to make her happy and it's been like this for months. She's gotten weaker since grandma Robinson passed away. Her game face is gone. I'm mad. 

I'm mad because she has to work so hard at the farm, and she comes home and cries because she hurts so badly.. And there's nothing I can do. The only person who could make her feel better really is dad. And he's not here. And I'm mad. 

I'm not mad at a person or God. I'm just mad. It's not anyone's fault that things are happening the way they are- I completely accept my fate for what it is. I do think that God works in mysterious ways. 

I keep thinking about this Spanish class I was dreading taking this summer.. And honestly I know I was there for a reason, I met some people that I think not only impacted me, but who impacted each other. And I have this uncanny sense of family with most of the people who were in that class. Like I couldn't have met any better of people, like I would have strained a lot to help any one of them.

I cared about them and their lives and what happens to them later... I don't know them well, but at the same time I do. I feel some unearthly connection with them- especially Joseph and Megan.. And Elliot and perhaps Harris if I allowed myself to. And Tracey felt like an aunt, and Sophia a cousin. Joseph was a brother to me for sure and Megan a sister. And Harris... A good friend. 

I'm a little sad bc I know that it's already something of the past. I'll never get those moments back. We were all like a team. We worked together well and all wanted to succeed. It's was real tight. I hope I can always feel that connection with them. 

A part of me also misses Chris. I'm not sure if it's Chris that I miss of just his kindness. I think I just really am beginning to respect and admire him for the way he treated me and just people in general. He's always been a sweetheart. Harris slipped up on me and reminded me that I'm not cool. That I can't be like every other USC girl. He demeaned me indirectly. I forgot that not just any guy will be a gentleman. 

Not to say that I don't like Harris. He's my bro.. Like I wish I was good enough for him. But I'm okay with not being perfection as long as I can just still be me because some other guy is going to see me for me and still want me. Like Chris does or did.

He saw me in my zone molding clay. He saw me around my family and my best friends. He saw me at my worst- in the mornings and right after cosy and I broke up. He saw me quiet, and sad, frustrated and talkative. Content and happy. And he still liked me. He still wanted more of me. He may not have a lot of time, or lack of effort to make a plan.. But I still think in some other time, he's the right guy for me, 

He uplifted me. Told me that my religion and innocence was good. He respected me. 

I'm really thankful for all the people who are and who have been in my life. They were all there for a reason. It's hard to explain why I am glad but I am.


So overall I'm agitated and yet reserved about it. It's a cool pot brewing at it's best oxymoron,


-Elizabeth

The State Fair

I have a feeling this weekend is going to go one of two ways. Either I'm going to buckle down and learn some damn Philosophy and get all my reading material done for Psychology, and study for my other Psychology exam on Monday. Or, I'm going to spend Friday night at the fair. Haaha my life right now.

Having to decide between being a kid and growing the fuck up. I mean no one wants to make that transition from being a kid to an adult, the rug always gets pulled out from under your feet. I can't imagine what I would have done without my parents, family, and friends to support me, and be good examples. I'm lucky, I have parents who care about my future, and who work with me to make sure that I succeed. 

I remember with my ex, Cody, how hard it was to stop goofing off, and to go out there and try to find himself. I tried to be his backbone through it all, sometimes in the end tho people want to discover that journey by themselves. Now all I can say to him, is "Cry if you need to, but I can't stay to watch you because that's the wrong thing to do. I need someone different, you know it." 

I am happy that I can be here for Dalton. I hope that he lets me in. I wont protrude too much, I'm just here for support. 

October Goal

I've decided to make at least one goal a month for me to hone in on and have a positive impact on either me, or the world around me, or both. I think it's important to keep growing. There's always something else you can improve on, something else that you can do better.

So today in my art studio class we had a visiting artist (Henry), and as he was working through a demo he stopped and looked at me and said, "Reality is constantly changing, what may be reality today could change tomorrow. Today you may be in a relationship, and tomorrow they might be gone, so don't let the reality of things determine how you live today."

I was so stunned that he was specifically speaking to me, I really didn't know how to react. As I looked around the room feeling a little bit stunned, everyone one else was just focusing on him and nodding. Was this something that really seemed this obvious to them? I have never thought about reality as being something that constantly evolves. I mean if it's real today, it's true tomorrow. I understand what he meant, I just wonder how he new to direct the statement towards me. I was the only person in the front row, and I was being pretty responsive, so maybe he thought his words would have a bigger impact on me. I think he liked getting a reaction from me, then again, I think everyone likes to feel heard. My main goal when I'm interacting with someone is to make sure that they feel like their words are impacting me, to let them know that I really hear them. Sadly, I think the people that I neglect this right to are the people that I need to hear me; the people that will love me no matter what. But honestly, those are the people that I really want to know I care the most. I guess thats my October goal.

#ExpectTheUnexpected

Long-term Memory: Structure reads the slide at the front of the classroom. I am currently sitting in my psychology 405 class stunned by the amount of reading material and memorization that will have to be done for the upcoming test. It seems as if school is a never ending vacuum, out to suck all of your energy and time away. It wont be long before I will be leaving the current dormitory that I live in for a new place. Dorms are so expensive, especially the apartment style. My wonderful roommate and long time high school friend will be left behind, unless I quotably "get onto the horseshoe" the prettiest and most convenient place to live on campus. So I assume I will be venturing out alone as either an RM (resident mentor) or as a student living at home.

What Were You Thinking?

I stopped using this blog because it was a representation of the pain that I felt over Cody. That's all it really was, another way to roll in my pain. Another way to exhaust the already exhausted. Looking back at how much time I spent obsessing over everything, I'm really upset with myself. What a waste of life. A whole year that I'll never get back. My freshman year spent crying. What was it all for? 
I had to do what I had to do to get over it all I guess. 
But I wish I could go back to the old me and tell her that it gets better. You CAN love again. You CAN have someone who treats you better. You can find someone who is going to want what is best for you, someone that won't just toss your emotions around because they themselves are insecure. Someone who is more of a decent human being. 
Someone who knows better. 
Someone who loves to make you smile. 
Someone with manners, and a kind heart. 
Someone who puts others before himself. 
Someone who is passionate about life.
Someone that makes you jump more often.
Someone that makes you grow.
This past summer welcomed more in with it than I could have ever foreseen.
I kept telling myself that once the summer ended, it would all fade away with it. All the stress-free nights that made me feel warm and happy inside. It was all good to be true, it would all vanish as soon as I entered my first class again.

The truth is, it's not the school that is taunted with stress and sorrow. It was me. And it just so happened that I was in school at the time.

I was so relieved and happy, truly happy, this first semester to know that I have all of these people around me who I can surround myself with to better me. To make me be more open to new things.

I give my friend Megan a lot of crap for being so wild and outgoing at times. But I also admire her a lot in ways too. And I absolutely 100% believe that I went to summer school for a reason, and met this person who has her own way of living, for a reason. I cannot thank God enough for making me be open to Megan and to getting to know her. I cannot thank Megan and God for enough for bringing me to Dalton either.

He's been the most supportive, sweet person to me. I can't even type this right now without crying, because its so real to me. I was so burdened with hate and sorrow, and right when I thought things were so bad, God showed me that I was wrong and I've been happy every since. 

I haven't been to church since Cody and I broke up, and I know it's not because I don't have time. I know it's because the church was and still kind of is taunted with Cody. I used to go to church almost every Sunday with Cody. Cody and I became one and so did all the things we enjoyed together.

Today, I'm taking it and breaking him out of it all. I'm saying that I can have all those things without him. I'm saying that I don't need his approval to be happy. I don't need his apology to move on. I don't want him to understand me. I just want out. Completely out. 

I want all my shit, and I want out. What was I thinking?