:)

I just had a major realization today. Reading through some of my old stuff, it makes me laugh now. You see, I spent all this time really defining the type of man I wanted. 

August 30th:  "It was nice that he knew who he was and what he wanted. I think it surprised me more that once I had to opportunity to be with him, it was just that confidence that turned me away. I think I saw that he was all that he was ever going to be, right now. He had no more life altering events. He didn't need me. I want to be with someone who is growing everyday. Someone who wants to be something more as a person. Someone who is always striving to reach a goal. Constantly at work to improve themselves- in a critical manner but not a destructive one. I see that ambition in my dad and l guess that's how I define a good man. I want someone who aspires. Someone who isn't lazy, someone who is reaching for the stars and all the while smiling." 

   I mean really narrowing things down.

 " I hope I dont ever loose sight of what I want in a man. I hope I find someone who truly loves me. I know things are getting confusing and will probably get even more confusing when school starts back but I want to have a level head about guys. I think Harris was a good preparation for school.. I texted him today and told him I was close to his hometown and he pretty much blew me off. Typical. Haha remind me not to text him anymore. Or to go out with him, he's such a tool. 

Well I don't really have much to say.. Me and Ben have been texting lately.. And he's a good texter, wonder what else he's good at. Heheh. I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore tho. Like the butterflies aren't completely there. I think it has a lot to do with me still feeling like he belongs to corrie. And I haven't seen him in a long time so it's hard to feel that way. But I do know that I once really liked him so I can't pass up the chance to at least be friends with him again." 

   And I did date a lot of people this summer, but the main thing I found was that almost doesn't count. I think they all taught me what I do and don't want perfectly. And then when I met Dalton, it didn't take me long to figure out that he was the one I really wanted. 

  "I'm starting to get really close to Dalton and as much as it makes me want to run away, I can tell I won't. Relationships like these don't come everyday. It's the type if relationship that you easily become addicted to and love. What's really alarming to me is how nurturing his demeanor is. It makes me wonder why I'm so reliant on that trait in a relationship. Does that mean I'm missing the nurture in my life that I need so I seek it out in friendships? Or does it mean that he's like my father? Quite frankly his gestures and morals mock my dad's. I wonder how they would get along. Would dad recognize Dalton's nature in himself? Would he respect him?"

  I may not have known then why, but looking back at some of the things I wrote, I know now exactly why. He is my ideal guy, whether he realizes that or not. He's everything and more to me. 

Something from June 29th

  I am lying in bed listening to we are the people by the empire of the sun. It's the same song that I listened to when I was high off of pain killers last year. I remember staring at the ceiling fan while it spun thinking that I was so comfortable and entertained, I could lie there for hours and not care. 
  That's what I want this song to do to me now: I want to be able to lay here and not care. I can't explain why but suddenly I feel mad. It's like my inner being is throwing a bitch fit in the middle of Walmart on the cereal isle. I'm kind of pissed. I never really write when I'm angry, not while I'm angry. It's too easy to forget I'm mad or worse embellish in the anger. Yet here I am feeling angry, and I don't know why..

  If I think really hard about it I just.. Whoa Im almost angry at Cody I think. Which is ridiculous. I've never been truly angry at him.. But this is so real. 

It's fading more now to just an extreme agitation. Now that I think about it tho, I have been a little grumpy all day.

Yeah idk 

I noticed at work that I was able to just push people around bc I was agitated. It's like this creeping, I don't give a fuck attitude. I mean I was polite to all the customers I just didn't take any mental crap. I didn't care of they made a face at me that was displeasing. It didn't bother me, I was just able to let it roll off me. 

I guess that's just how I am when I'm agitated normally. You can say or do things to offend me, and I will literally just shrug it off, I really just lack empathy when I'm pissed. It's like when I was aggravated for no real reason at the bonfire and kris told me "fuck you" and I didn't even look at her. I just shrugged my shoulders. YOLO bitch! Hah I was angry and laughing at my anger and hers at the same time. 

Of course the fact that I shrugged just made her feel stupid. I mean the I sort of felt bad for her. She's really that insecure that she had to blurt "fuck you" to me. How sad. I can't imagine the insecurity that she felt to launch such harsh words at me over nothing. 

I'm still pretty pissed. 

I mean I can definitely think of reasons why I could be mad. But I don't think it's just one thing. I think it's a lot of shit falling out of the trees around me like dead leaves during my beautiful summer. Like who the fuck are you trying to bring darkness to my glory. 

I'm agitated because..

Moms always in a sour mood and she is rude to me. But more than that, she's always sad. It depresses me after a while. Mostly because I know that she's sad bc dad isn't here and she misses him.. And there's nothing I can do to make her happy and it's been like this for months. She's gotten weaker since grandma Robinson passed away. Her game face is gone. I'm mad. 

I'm mad because she has to work so hard at the farm, and she comes home and cries because she hurts so badly.. And there's nothing I can do. The only person who could make her feel better really is dad. And he's not here. And I'm mad. 

I'm not mad at a person or God. I'm just mad. It's not anyone's fault that things are happening the way they are- I completely accept my fate for what it is. I do think that God works in mysterious ways. 

I keep thinking about this Spanish class I was dreading taking this summer.. And honestly I know I was there for a reason, I met some people that I think not only impacted me, but who impacted each other. And I have this uncanny sense of family with most of the people who were in that class. Like I couldn't have met any better of people, like I would have strained a lot to help any one of them.

I cared about them and their lives and what happens to them later... I don't know them well, but at the same time I do. I feel some unearthly connection with them- especially Joseph and Megan.. And Elliot and perhaps Harris if I allowed myself to. And Tracey felt like an aunt, and Sophia a cousin. Joseph was a brother to me for sure and Megan a sister. And Harris... A good friend. 

I'm a little sad bc I know that it's already something of the past. I'll never get those moments back. We were all like a team. We worked together well and all wanted to succeed. It's was real tight. I hope I can always feel that connection with them. 

A part of me also misses Chris. I'm not sure if it's Chris that I miss of just his kindness. I think I just really am beginning to respect and admire him for the way he treated me and just people in general. He's always been a sweetheart. Harris slipped up on me and reminded me that I'm not cool. That I can't be like every other USC girl. He demeaned me indirectly. I forgot that not just any guy will be a gentleman. 

Not to say that I don't like Harris. He's my bro.. Like I wish I was good enough for him. But I'm okay with not being perfection as long as I can just still be me because some other guy is going to see me for me and still want me. Like Chris does or did.

He saw me in my zone molding clay. He saw me around my family and my best friends. He saw me at my worst- in the mornings and right after cosy and I broke up. He saw me quiet, and sad, frustrated and talkative. Content and happy. And he still liked me. He still wanted more of me. He may not have a lot of time, or lack of effort to make a plan.. But I still think in some other time, he's the right guy for me, 

He uplifted me. Told me that my religion and innocence was good. He respected me. 

I'm really thankful for all the people who are and who have been in my life. They were all there for a reason. It's hard to explain why I am glad but I am.


So overall I'm agitated and yet reserved about it. It's a cool pot brewing at it's best oxymoron,


-Elizabeth

The State Fair

I have a feeling this weekend is going to go one of two ways. Either I'm going to buckle down and learn some damn Philosophy and get all my reading material done for Psychology, and study for my other Psychology exam on Monday. Or, I'm going to spend Friday night at the fair. Haaha my life right now.

Having to decide between being a kid and growing the fuck up. I mean no one wants to make that transition from being a kid to an adult, the rug always gets pulled out from under your feet. I can't imagine what I would have done without my parents, family, and friends to support me, and be good examples. I'm lucky, I have parents who care about my future, and who work with me to make sure that I succeed. 

I remember with my ex, Cody, how hard it was to stop goofing off, and to go out there and try to find himself. I tried to be his backbone through it all, sometimes in the end tho people want to discover that journey by themselves. Now all I can say to him, is "Cry if you need to, but I can't stay to watch you because that's the wrong thing to do. I need someone different, you know it." 

I am happy that I can be here for Dalton. I hope that he lets me in. I wont protrude too much, I'm just here for support.